


These Shackles are made of Lies

by Definitisied



Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Video Blogging RPF) - Fandom, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Anxiety, Bulimia, Dark Sides, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mental Prison, Negative Body Image, Panic Attack, Plot, Psychological Horror, Sensory Overload, Subconscious, Vomiting, negative mindset, personal, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-05-03 00:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14557086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Definitisied/pseuds/Definitisied
Summary: In his mind, he was nothing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ! (Or don’t, I don’t mind, but it would be nice)
> 
> This is just the explanation of this fic and the reasons behind it, this, to me, is more than just a peice of writing despite all its shittyness.
> 
> This fic is a really personal vent. I’ve just had a lot of stuff I needed to get out. Basically I was in a mentally abusive friendship for many years and a few short weeks ago I finally broke it off. It wasn’t nice being in that position, obviously.
> 
> This fic also contains a graphic description of a panic attack, albeit its slightly short but it’s still there. It’s from my personal experience with my anxiety, but everyone’s experience is different. 
> 
> But, without further adue, the fic begins!

Virgil looked down at his pancakes, a wonky smiling face made of chocolate chips looking up at him. Patton’s handiwork, obviously. The father figure was always a sweetheart like that. A small frown grew on Virgil’s face, thinking of Patton reminded him of Deceit, the slimy snake. He was just so annoyed at himself, how could he have been so blind? He had dealt with Deceit for so long, so many years, he should have noticed! It took him an entire video just to notice the leeches presence, they had all been fooled by that demon. 

Virgil was still seething from there recent encounter with Deceit.

“Hey kiddo! Why aren’t you eating your pancakes?” Patton’s friendly tone broke Virgil’s train of thought.  
“Not your kiddo, but I do appreciate the pancakes, just not hungry right now” The anxious trait hoped his tone wasn’t off. He just needed some time to think and the caring, sometimes overbearing, Patton just wouldn’t allow him space.

He pushed out his chair and got up, leaving the warm plate of pancakes and chocolate chips to go stale and cold.

He brushed Romans shoulder on the way out.  
“Jeez, what’s gotten in your hoodie?” Roman snickered playfully, teasing Virgil’s scowl.  
“A snake” he hissed. Romans teasing smirk immediately fell flat, as the realisation of what he had just implied fell on his shoulders. 

But, just as soon as Roman had started to frown, it was like a light bulb had blinked on over the top of  
his head. A blinding smile grew on Romans face as he gracefully bowed, looking up at Virgil.  
“No need to fear, Panic at the Everywhere, I will slay the villainous snake that is haunting your every thought!” He proclaimed with a playful slash of his valiant sword in the air. 

Virgil huffed.  
“I’m ‘fraid that most of this snake is just in my head, so if you’ll excuse me. I’ve got some… stuff, to do” and with that Virgil walked off, Roman staring after him concerned.

 

The door slammed behind him, the bang seemed to echo through the anxious aspects room. Virgil walked over to the corner, and with a long sigh crumpled to the floor. And he broke.

Vicious, wet, sobs wracked Virgil's body as he sat curled in his ball of misery. If anyone were to have walked in they would have seen a small shaking boy, stripped of all decency. His mask had been ripped off, his cracked porcelain face open for all the world to see. His tears felt like acid as one after the other dropped down his face, his sadness reaping him of any coherent thought.

Breathe. He couldn’t breathe. His mouth was so dry the air didn’t seem to be able to touch it, even as he gulped like a fish. His heart beat so loudly, it boomed in his ears and he almost couldn’t hear over it.

He pulled the hoodie further over his head, and scrunched himself as small as possible. He needed to hide, from what he didn’t know. All he knew that everything felt wrong, it was all wrong. 

His thoughts raced wildly, constantly attacking him, reminding him of how truly terrible he really was.

And then, through all of the chaos, it hit him. He was having a panic attack. He knew he needed to calm down, he just had to use the breathing exercises. Oh god, what was it?  
4 in, 7 hold and 8 out? No that can’t be right. He wanted to bash his head against the wall from his stupidity. 

Stupid, sTupid, stUPiD, STUPId, STUPID!

Oh god he just wanted it to stop, why wouldn’t it stop? He wanted to scream, scream at the world. Scream at DeCEiT!

 

And just like that, it faded. He found himself uncurling, still breathing heavily and shaking like a leaf. He just needed to address his worries, he couldn’t keep repressing all that shit, all that hatred. All focused on one stupidly insignificant man.

 

And so he thought back, back to the beginning.

When Virgil had been born, he had been greeted by darkness. A room of his own thoughts and worries, all to himself. The first person to greet him at the door had one half of his face covered in scales and a Cheshire grin on both.

He had been innocent, his young mind still too inexperienced to realise how he was making a deal with devil as soon as he shook the snakes hand. He thought that the snake was trustworthy, that he would be a good friend. That he understood him.

And at first, it really did seem that way.

Deceit was the only friend he had, without him he was lonely. He didn’t want to be lonely.

So he followed him like a patient puppy, with the occasional vent to the snake or even just a slight complaint when he was trying to empathise with him. But the rest of the time it was all sunshine and rainbows, toxic green and acidic yellow sunshine and rainbows

But then, one day, the snake didn’t come knocking to his door, instead he had to chase him down. And when he finally confronted him, he was met with a snarl and a glare from those piercing yellow eyes. 

He wasn’t wanted anymore, he wasn’t needed. He begged, on his knees to the villainous snake, why had he been deserted?

He was told, disdainfully, that he was too selfish, too self obsessed. He complained too much, he was too stressful, he was a terrible person and that he should be ashamed. He said that Deceit made him better, and that he was the one ruining Deceit. He ruined everything he touched, he shouldn’t even be allowed to interact with anyone. But here was Deceit, the saint, risking his own safety to give the monster that called itself Virgil company.

None of it was true of course, but, no matter the intentions, if the lamp owner wishes a wish from the genie, the genie must grant it.

Virgil, filled with a sad, desperate determination, begged harder than ever had. He wanted, no, he needed Deceit. Without him, he was nothing.

And Deceit?

Well, Deceit was everything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Deceits cheshire grin grew into a delightfully acidic cackle, for the poor little puppies leash had been tightened. He would never run, the snake would make sure of that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is yet again a vent fic, at this point I’m just projecting all of my problems into Virgil. So have fun with that I guess.

Virgil got up from the tangle of sheets he had tied himself up in on his sleep, deliriously remembering the previous day. 

He’d woken up after 3 hours sleep, gone to the common room and immediately started to over think the events of the previous video. He had been rude to Patton and worried Roman, and then ran away to his room were he had a panic attack. Promptly calming down and then reminiscing in a toxic bath of memories.

The rest after that was hazy, he vaguely remembered laying down on his bed. His eyelids had been so heavy, he didn’t think it would hurt to close them for a moment or two.

As it turns out the moment or two had turned into 15 hours of sleep, something the anxious trait severely needed but had been denying himself for weeks.

“Auugh” he groaned, rolling out of the sheets as he rubbed the crusted sleep out of his eyes. His whole body ached as he peeled himself off his mattress and attempted to stand up.

Attempted being the key word here.

As soon as the anxious trait attempted to balance himself, his legs crumpled beneath him. The sudden shock assisted in waking him from his sleepy haze. 

Pulling himself up from the floor and trudging to the door, he awkwardly fumbled with the door handle. Tired and hungry from days of not eating enough and adding on dangerously irregular sleep patterns, he directed his exhausted body to the kitchen, only banging into 3 walls on the way.

Opening the fridge, he squinted at the bright white light of the looming fridge, his senses suddenly coming into play at what was possible the worst moment.

 

He let out a low groan as suddenly everything became overwhelming. The lights hurt his eyes, and even the slight movement of curtains was infuriatingly irritating. Everything was simply too much for him to handle. 

He folded in on himself, desperately trying to protect his eyes and ears from the harsh lights and noise of the baron kitchen.

He could vaguely recognise footsteps as he cringed at the noise, the clang of them serving to hurt his ears even more.

“Virgil, do you require assistance? Your body language is becoming increasingly worrying” Logan’s sudden comment had the anxious trait squeezing in on himself even more.

Hands over ears, eyes squeezed tight, hunched back and a distressed expression, it was all very unsettling to the usually analytical trait.

Attempting to put two and two together, Logan came to a concerning conclusion, Virgil was most likely experiencing sensory overload. It was a common side effect of having anxiety, and being the literal embodiment of it wouldn’t help none. Vaguely remembering a brief article on assisting with sensory overload, the logical side attempted to use his less than precise knowledge to assist his sensitive friend.

Conjuring a pair of sound proof headphones he lightly tapped Virgil to get his attention, being careful not to make too much physical contact so as to not worsen the overload. Bloodshot eyes glanced up at him, whisking the headphones on and quickly shutting his eyes tight again. Hands now fiddling anxiously with no need to cover his ears anymore. 

Logan walked over to the lone open window and closed it, drawing the curtains to block out the bright sunny day.

With a slow flick of his wrist the lights began to dim, settling on a slight blue glow that was easy on the eyes. He observed as Virgil’s eyes began to open, quickly adjusting to the softer lights.

After a few minutes of Virgil’s slowly decreasing stress and Logan casually leaning against the wall Virge pulled down the headphones and began to speak.  
“Thank- thank you, I appreciate it” it came out shaky and rough, but nonetheless Logan acknowledged it as his que to go. Virgil’s emotional state appeared stable and as such the logical side prepared to take his leave.  
“I’m glad my service was of notable help, try not to make a habit of it as it takes quite a bit more energy than I’m used to controlling, and conjuring like that. It’s much more Romans department in that aspect.” and with that Logan walked out of the kitchen.

Virgil stood there and watched him go, despite his senses now back at a normal range the anxious side was still a little jumpy.

He finally noticed the fridge, still wide open. After that he wasn't really sure he wanted to eat, his stomach growling in protest at such disastrous thoughts. Deciding that eating at least a little couldn’t hurt with some persuasion from his loud stomach, he took out a small bowl of pasta. 

Patton liked to pre-make meals in case any of the sides ever got hungry, a thoughtful gesture of affection from the father figure.

He closed the fridge, carrying the bowl covered in glad wrap with a fork gently sitting on top. Sitting down at the table he peeled off the cellophane and started to pick at the food. He chewed slowly, relishing in the salty tang of the pasta sauce. He could tell each flavour, he could smell the garlic and onion wafting through the air. Virgil hadn’t eaten something this good in a long time.

Just as he went to pick up another peice of pasta he heard a clang, looking down he realised he had eaten the pasta. An entire bowl of pasta, suddenly he realised how full he felt. He was disgusted by it, he shouldn’t have been so foolish. He should have had a few pieces and then he should have been done. 

He was angry, angry at himself, angry at his head. 

With shaky steps he walked back into the kitchen with the empty bowl and dirty fork, roughly putting it in the sink.

Storming off he headed to his room, slamming the door behind him. He rushed into the bathroom attached to the side of his room. Making sure the door was locked behind him he kneeled down in front of the toilet. Leaning on the seat with his elbow he pulled down his sleeves, he didn’t want to get his hoodie dirty.

He opened his mouth, leaning over the toilet bowl as he stared into the water. Preparing himself, he violently shoved his fingers down his throat, reaching as far as he could. He felt his stomach heave. Again he shoved down his fingers, his stomach heaved more violently this time.

Finally, shoving his fingers down his throat for a third time, his stomach heaved and up rushed chewed bits of pasta. The horrible after taste of stomach acid filled his mouth, the acid-rich pasta sauce not mixing well with the insides of his stomach. 

He repeated the process until his eyes were watering, his fingers covered in remnants of the food and the toilet bowl was filled with a gross mix of pasta, sauce and stomach acid. 

Shaking, he stood up, flushing the toilet and moving over to the sink. He washed his hands, watching the vomit slide down the drain. He then dried them, and rubbed the tears out of his watering eyes.

Suddenly sneezing, his nose burned as a small peice of pasta shot out.  
“Okay, that’s just gross” his mouth curled into a frown as he spoke to himself. Making the comment if only to ground himself in reality.

He hated doing it, he really did it. But he was always more disgusted at himself when the vile feeling of being full creeped up on him. He hated indulging himself, he couldn’t even explain it. All he knew was that it felt wrong, it was distressing, and the only way he knew how to get rid of it was to vomit it all away.

He’d been hiding it, none of the other sides knew, and if they did they hadn’t told him. All cleaned up he sighed and went to head to the common room.

Only to find the rest of the sides sitting and watching a movie.

He was so not in the mood for this.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves for a wild ride, and my longest chapter yet

Just as he was about to walk back out of the room, Patton’s head whipped around and a fond smile grew on the moral sides face.   
“Hey Kiddo, wanna join us in watching Tangled?” he leaned further over the couches back as he spoke. Frozen, Virgil stuttered out a reply.  
“Uhh…I was uhh- just going to- to catch up on a book?” Logan turned around at his questioning tone, commentating on it.  
“Virgil it appears that you are a complete walking mess as referencing to your previous… freak out, no offence. But I believe it may be… beneficial, for you to join us in some quality bonding time” As soon as Logan finished, Romans boisterous voice boomed in enthusiasm,  
“Dark and stor- Virgil, no matter how much we argue I too agree with Logan’s opinion on this most important of matters, disney movie marathons!” Romans eyes lit up like stars as he spoke.   
“Uhh well, I uh guess I could but I’m pretty sure I have a…” the anxious trait looked around frantically, his eyes eventually landing on a box. “A box of stuff that I’ve gotta go through, yeah that’s it” as soon as he finished stammering out a lie he sped out of the room, the rest of the sides looking after him with a mixture of confusion and worry.

He had to go, and he had a good (terrible) idea in mind

Internally he screamed at himself, whether he regretted not staying or he was simply embarrassed by his own excuse was anybody's guess. For once he noticed the rising flood of panic before the floodgates opened, and shoved it back down with his agitation. His anger was much more than simple anger at himself, it was that he had lied.

He wasn’t inexperienced in lying, far from it. Over the years he had built quite an extravagant web, covering every rip and tear with another. No matter how many times he did it, no matter the reason, he always felt the burn of anger after he lied. No matter a lies size it would ignite something in him, something almost worse than the fear, the panic. It would rise and engulf him, it would burn him to a crisp until he was nothing but the heat.

And all this fire, all this anger, was aimed at the memory of a friendship long dead. A cancer cut away, but the wound still left gaping open as he bled onto the floor. He didn’t know how to heal, the constant acidity had burnt away at his heart for far to long, far beyond repair. A broken heart you could just glue the pieces together, it might be a little wonky and jagged on some edges, but it would still work for its purpose. But a heart that had been burnt away, charred black with ash and mangled by acid, its shape licked away by the heat of the flames until it was smaller than before.

A heart like that would not fit its purpose, it would barely hold one person, let alone 3. And so the untrusting, the suspicious, the skeptical, Virgil, was almost guaranteed a fate of loneliness. Destined to a fate of loneliness because of one person, one soul, one devilish deceiver, Deceit.

Yet again the source of his emotional abundance was the snake, the lying bastard. This time instead of being filled with panic at his idiocy, this time he had been filled with fire. The burning rage of the aftermath of betrayal. 

For every damn day he was insulted, lied too, decepted, talked down too, laughed at, embarrassed, harassed, cold shouldered and bullied, the flames had been growing. No sane person could last that long without going at least a little mad. But the one thing that hurt him the most, that really did hurt more than lying, was that none of the sides followed or called out to him. It hurt, because he thought he’d finally found a family that wouldn’t cause him harm, he thought they would care. But alas, he was mistaken. His face hardened as he held back grief.

He walked down the carpeted hall way, past the unique doors of each sides room. Romans stood out with its regal gold R and a pile of red glitter. Patton had literally just stuck hundreds of plushies on his door, much to the annoyance of Logan. Virgil couldn’t remember how long Logan had gone on about it’s practicality and functionality. Logan’s door was much simpler than the others, if you called a giant mural of a jar of Crofters ‘simple’.

But right at the end, hidden in the corner and illuminated by a flickering yellow light, was Virgil’s door. It’s dull grey colour stood out from the surrounding pristine white walls, and it’s rusty gold handle was bent. It looked like it was imprinted with someone’s grip, like it had been rough handled far too many times. The worst thing about the door was the claw marks of black that stretched over the grey, when the light reflected off the black it looked almost a dark glistening pink.

Virgil hated that door.

Choosing to ignore all the doors, he instead kept walking down the hallway. He had a plan. 

As he walked, the darkness seemed to slither over his skin, he began to hear faint whispers and the walls looked like they were bending in a non existent wind. The hallways olive green carpet seemed to go on forever, but the anxious side knew what he was doing.

The whispering grew louder, an almost constant buzz, reminding him of the cicadas at night but ten times worse. The darkness took a disastrous turn, begin to bite and snap at his skin. He knew if he looked in a mirror he would look like even more of a raccoon than usual. The floor was becoming covered in vines as he continued, they were thick and slimy with an unknown substance. They seemed to throb in sync, a pink glow radiating from the hideous tendrils.

Virgil slipped slightly on the slime, reaching out to the wall to stable himself. As soon as he pulled his hand back, he could vaguely see a red brownish pigment on his hand. He didn’t have time for this, he had a place to be.

Despite his false determination, his panic was quickly growing to relationship-break-up levels of panic. “Pull it together Virge, you just have to reach the dark sides, it’s not that difficult” his voice came out in the multi leveled manner, the demon voice is what the fans usually called it. He smacked his head with his sticky hand, his agitation at himself growing when he realised he had smacked himself with the weirdly pigmented goop.

The dim light of the tunnel was the only thing stopping him from having sensory overload, he knew this far into the subconscious Logan, or any of the other sides, would never find him. The light sides couldn’t travel through the sectors, but neither could the dark sides. He guessed he was just, different.

The whispering buzz has reached such loud volumes that he had given up on thinking, it was too hard. And so, he began to talk to himself, like any perfectly sane person. “This is such a stupid idea, I’m never going to reach the dark sides. Let alone the deep subconscious if I need to escape” he just couldn’t stop talking himself down, could he? You couldn’t really blame him though, he was Anxiety for a reason.

“I really shouldn’t label these weird viney tubes the subconscious, they’re more like the wires connecting everything I suppose. But less plastic and metal and more vile slime and weird throbbing tendril things” he really wished there was a book on this sorta thing, or at least a map or something.

He’d traveled through these tunnels before, it’s how he found his way to the light sides originally after all. 

That was one of the worst days of Deceits psychotic reign of his life. He wouldn’t let up on Virgil that day, as soon as Virgil had walked out of his room and into the bizarrely lit common room that the dark sides usually reside in. Deceit had walked right up to him, pulled his hand back, and let loose to slap Virgil, only to stop a few small centimetres from his face. He had flinched back violently, despite having been tricked liked this before he still flinched back. You could never be too careful. 

The liar was yelling so much that day that his voice became hoarse and rough, making his already ominous voice even more intimidating. He could still remember the insults that the snake had yelled after him as he ran away crying. He did this every couple of weeks, the anxious side would run away to his room and hope Deceit wouldn’t follow him. He’d get left alone for a few days, and then he would finally come out of his room and the cycle would start again. It was extremely emotionally draining for Virgil and probably fueled Deceits sadistic heart.

But, instead, this time Virgil just kept running, he didn’t want it to start again. He just wanted it to stop. And so he let his delirious and miserable mind hang back for a while, and instead let his feet take charge. Leading him through the tunnels until his legs burned, his feet stung, and he became so hot and sweaty because of running that when he finally reached the end he had collapsed. 

That was the day he discovered the light sides, and since then he had observed them and their daily activities. Compared to the activities of his fellow dark sides, which usually constituted of getting dangerously drunk, yelling and abusing each other, and playing don’t-get-stabbed-by-the-machete. In comparison to the light sides activities of knitting, charades, making food together, and movie night, they seemed almost odd to the young Virgil. A nice odd though. And so he found himself enjoying the time he spent observing this sides, until he noticed the impact he was having on his host. 

Being at the light sides sector he had been almost completely ignoring Thomas. His host had been waking up late, not finishing any work, and was just slacking in general. And so he had resigned himself to head back through the tunnels and back to the dark sides sector so he could fulfill his duties, running at the same maddening pace of the day he had travelled there in the first place. He knew it was for the better but he really hated to go back to the abusi-

He was ripped out of his memories as he stopped and looked up in a weird mix of terror, wonder and shock at just what he was seeing. For there in front of him, stood a cross road, “Well this is new” he mumbled quietly, his eyes blown wide. Looking between the paths he tried to establish a difference in either one, but alas it was the same throbbing vines and disgusting goop from both tunnels. 

But, as he watched the throbbing pink light travel down the vines, for a few short seconds Virgil spotted a man. A man standing in the middle of the path with a bowler hat shaped silhouette on his head. Oh shit.

Letting his feet take hold like the day he had first found the tunnels, he ran down the other side of the crossroad. Only to find the ground crumbling beneath his feet as he moved, honestly what the fuck? What was going on- oh.

As he ran into the dark abyss across vines that quickly grew back into familiar olive green carpet and then into translucent grass, he came to a confusing realisation. He was in the deep subconscious, somehow the path between the dark and light sides sectors had a godam pathway to the deep subconscious.

It didn’t make any sense, why had it grown there of all places? Why did he see Deceit in the tunnel, he shouldn’t have been able to do that. He wasn’t supposed to reach the dark sides sectors until another 30 minutes, had the dark sides sector come closer? What was going on? He had so many questions. 

But as his feet slowed and he looked back into the distance were the glowing pink tunnels entrance lay, he could really care less. He had been trying to reach the dark sides sector in order to settle his trauma with the foes. But now that he stood out on the ghostly grass plain he realised how fucking dumb that was. He would’ve just scarred himself more, caught up in his panic and fiery rage he had barely thought about the logic in the situation. 

Taking deep breaths and finally remembering his breathing exercises he calmed down properly. A slight breeze began to pass through the grassy field, and for the first time in forever he let himself lay down between the blades of grass. And, for once, the anxious side let himself relax. There was something about the place that made him drowsy and calm. The silence really helped him relax.

That is he let himself relax for approximately 3.5 seconds, until a mighty roar ripped through the deep subconscious and he felt himself build up walls of pulsating shadows around himself at the familiar voice.

“VIRGIL!” was the only thing the snake yelled before he felt the wave of acid fall over his barriers.

Godam subconscious and it’s stupid habit of letting sides conjure super powers when walking through its ghostly field.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo I hope you enjoyed that. I planned out a bunch of plot for this fic because I really wanted it to be more than a vent fic. I also felt really bad for not posting in a long while so I wrote this all in one sitting. Sorry not sorry.
> 
> Deceit is my fave villain and I genuinely hope that he doesn’t get reformed because dam even when he gets only one line of his dialogue is he fun to write about. 
> 
> I can’t promise that I’m gonna update anytime soon, but I can try!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo apologies if this chapter is a bit of a mess, I’m hoping to have a more structured chapter next time. For now just have this

The toxic liquid bubbled over the wispy shadows, they seemed to grow smaller and smaller until the only thing stopping Virgil from getting destroyed by the acid was how fast he could run. Panic had set in and the only thing he could think about was that he had to get away, completely forgetting that he too could use the environment around him to his advantage.

After a good 5 minutes of dodging the green bubbling liquid, Virgil began to grow tired. Without enough energy to remain in panic mode the anxious side finally used logic for possibly the first time in his encounter with Deceit. Deceit hadn’t spoken since calling his name, instead only make a combination of grunts and hisses.

Virgil thrust his hands forward, shadows quickly growing into a semitransparent wall of black. The snake became agitated even further by this, and so the acid started to glow a wicked green. The atmospheric glow could faintly be seen through the misty wall. It’s light grew brighter as it ate away at the shadows. 

Virgil hated how much he was restricted, the deep subconscious only allowed powers related to your function. So while Deceit’s original purpose may have been to protect, by encouraging Thomas to lie he had become a toxic habit. Eating away at Thomas whenever he lied, hence the toxic acid powers.

Virgil’s powers depended on his protection aspect, because even though sometimes he acted like an overbearing helicopter parent, a majority of the time he was just trying to keep Thomas safe. The shadow aspect of the wall was a little harder to explain, for while you may assume that it simply just goes with his aesthetic, and I admit it definitely does. But another reason for the shadows was simply that anxiety acted as the ‘shadow’ of Thomas’s main sides. The anxious aspect was nearly always there, ready to assist with any challenge they may face, no matter how ludicrous the idea was he always put something to the table. And so, Virgil’s powers were a protective shadow, ever present and ever protective.

Deceits malicious grin had begun to emerge from the dark wall of shadows that was quickly sinking further. The sea of toxic green light displayed only the mans mouth, the rest of his face was hidden away by the dark contrast of the lights.

A piercing cackle broke through the hissing splash of the acid, and before Virgil knew what was happening, he was running further than he thought his legs could take him. However, how far his strides took him didn’t really matter, for as soon as he had begun his frantic escape a burning sensation flew up his leg and he fell.

He fell and he fell and he fell. Forever it seemed he fell.

And then he landed.

The ground hit him fast and hard, making him sprawl out from the impact. Sitting up slowly and letting out a groan as he adjusted his now bruised jaw, it quickly dawned on him that he was no longer on the ghostly hills of the deep subconscious. Instead he found that for the first time since he found the tunnels, he was in a place that was completely unfamiliar. He was still shaking, from the adrenaline or nervousness was anybody's guess. The place was completely black, the only thing that was visible was dirty wood floors underneath him as a yellow spotlight cast a contrasting glare down on him.

A booming voice surrounded him, it echoed off the invisible walls. “You don’t matter” the voice was at a whispers tone, and yet it still sounded like the loudest thing in the room. “How do you think they could ever like you?” again, it rang through the room. “They hate you” “You’re so sensitive!” “Get it together!” “You never belonged here!” “They all lied to you!” “Why would anyone care about you?” “Just leave, they don’t need you!” Every insult was hissed out with disgust, a tone that Virgil hated that he was familiar with.

The click of a stage light turning on cut through the now silent space, he whipped his head around to the sound. 

A spotlight cast the bowl-hatted figure in a haunting light. Cold crept up his back as he stared, eyes blown wide. A distant sounding screech rang out and before he knew what was happening the silhouette grew into a giant pulsating beast.

A mouth filled with teeth the size of people gnawed at the air. Knobbly spines whipped through the void as it scuttled around, the spines protruding from its scaly back. It’s legs were arachnid in nature, wicked little hairs layering the outside of the multiple sectioned legs. Large, glassy white eyes stared at nothing, blinking to reveal a second pair of eyes underneath. It’s entire body was round in shape, it’s hideous green scales oozing with a toxic green liquid. It let loose a ferocious roar, a long green glowing tongue reaching out and slapping the anxious side far across the wooden floor.

There was a loud thump as he hit the floor and slid slightly, half covered in glowing green goo. Picking himself up yet again he wiped the goo off his face and spit out some that had managed to get in his mouth.   
“Honestly what the hell is this stuff?” he had yelled out, only to realise that the beast was somehow more agitated by the noise.

Tired scared and defeated, Virgil was frozen at the charging form of the hideous monster. His only view now was the dark abyss of the monsters mouth, and sharp grimy teeth. Submitting to his fate, a grim frown grew on his face as the beast engulfed him.

And immediately passed out.

 

 

He flung himself into a sitting position, breathing heavy. “AAAAAHHHHH- wait, wha- what?” he wasn’t in some glowing beasts stomach, he was back at the crossroad. He was back at the cross road in the tunnels between the sectors? What? He found that instead of being covered in bruises and sores from being flung around and tripping, he was perfectly fine. This was incredibly confusing. 

Wait, there was one thing that hurt. His ankle. He pulled up his jean slightly to look at the ankle, an awfully odd sight met his eyes. A black mark spread far over his leg, reminding him of the pattern that lightning usually formed in the sky.   
“You know what, I’ve dealt with a lot of shit today, and there’s no way I’m going to reach the dark sides sector and back without looking suspicious. So just, I’m out” he talked as if someone was there, still talking in sarcastic quips as almost a barrier to the true craziness of the situation. Letting his pant leg drop, he gave up on really giving a shit.

And so he walked back, fumbling his way against the pink pulsating vines and brownish-red slime. The ever presenting buzzing of the whispering shadows decreasing in sound until he finally reached the familiar carpet. And while the walls moved in a disturbing fashion, and the lights flickered sporadically, he was too tired to really care. He yawned more times than he could count, and yet he still shook, anxiety ever present despite his thoughts being dead.

As he walked he attempted to contemplate what he had just experienced. The silhouette of Deceit, the deep subconscious, that beast, what did it all mean? And why had he woken up at the crossroads, had none of it really happened or was it something else?

But try as he might he was simply too tired to come to any conclusion.

He had finally reached the hallway that the doors to their rooms resided in, glancing at the black claw marks across his door, he walked inside. Walking to the familiar cold sheets of his bed he dumped himself on the mattress, not bothering to lay under the covers. Virgil's last thought before he passed out was that the Sides probably hadn’t even noticed he was gone, he was stupid to think they really cared.

How depressing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh I’m so sorry that this took so long to post. I would have posted it earlier but we got robbed and it was the end of the school term, so if I wasn’t studying for tests I was helping my parents with insurance and looking through pawn shops to find out shit. 
> 
> Wrote this out in a couple hours so I hope it’s not shittier than usual. Hope y’all enjoyed it at least a little.
> 
> As always I bloody love comments, they let me know what I can improve, what y’all like, and basically just motivate me in general!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, this chapter is the longest yet at roughly 2150 words, so it's also the least edited because I'm a lazy piece of shit.

His brain was foggy and his eyes refused to open, meaning if anyone walked into his room they would assume he was asleep. He felt absolutely miserable and was absolutely loathing the inevitable wake up call from one of his fellow sides. He was just so tired and everything felt hazy.

As if right on cue a soft knock ran at the door, accompanied by the voice of a very pappy Patton.   
“Hey Virge! I know you didn’t finish my pancakes last time, but I was really hoping you could join us for breakfast. Roman helped me create a huge buffet of breakfast foods, there’s sure to be something you’ll like!” Despite the barrier of his door, it was still as if Patton was standing right in front him, at least from tge volumeof the affectionate sides voice. Everything he said was dipped in sugar and dripping with honey, it just oozed of joy and warm hearted intentions. 

He hated it. 

And not because of his previous classification as a story book villainous, or a simple dislike for positive things. It was that Patton, despite his attempts, was a terrible liar. For despite the good intentions, it reeked of worry. It was inevitable if he walked out there Patton would smother him with attention. With the state Virgil was in, he just didn’t think he’d be able to handle the pressure of full-blown Patton protection mode.

Letting out a groan, he rolled over onto his back. Eyelids crusty and throat sore, he yelled out in a low tone.  
“I’ll join you, just… can your promise not to smother me? You understand- right?” He sat up, waiting for a reply, beginning to stretch out his tired muscles.

He heard a muffled squeal of joy, and a few thumps in succession. Patton was quite literally jumping for joy, as Virgil realised this a slight smirk grew on his face.  
“Sure thing kid- Virge. I’m glad your joining us for once” this time Patton seemed more sincere, the over the top sweetness of the previous sentence was instead a soothing warmth. A warmth made of happiness and love and all things pure. 

A warmth that even on a stormy night, when the rain comes down so hard that it stings and your teeth chatter so hard you can barely speak, you’d feel as though you were lying in the warm grass of a sunny field. The warmth of a mug of hot cocoa on a cold night in, or even the secure warmth of the hug of a friend or family. It was a good warmth, addictive, like a drug. The warmth that sparked every flame of love, something that can burn deep inside and fill you with pride. Almost better than adrenaline, the warmth gives you the courage and the motivation to help, to protect. 

Needless to say, it was something Virgil had much missed.

He waited until Patton's footsteps were far away until he began to climb out of bed. He drudged over to the small bathroom connected to his room. Not slouching as much as usual, the warmth provided by Patton was almost enough to make him less tired.

The texture of the cold white porcelain tiles against the rough moldy grout felt odd on his feet, the harsh light above hurting his sensitive eyes. The entire bathroom gave off a feeling of melancholy, immediately ruining his mood.  
“Great” he slurred out, sarcasm radiating from him despite being alone.

He started to put on his white foundation, hiding the actual dark bags under his eyes. He was glad he had started using eyeshadow for his under eyes, it blended much better. 

As he finished and began to put his makeup away, he felt as though someone was watching.

A hiss rang out, and he froze.   
He’d been followed.

 

He glanced up in the mirror, and was met by the sight of the familiar bowler hat wearing snake. Deceit’s snake eye glowed a ghostly yellow, his haunting grin painted wide and menacing. Virgil watched in silent terror as the snake leaned back, and let out a rough cackle. It echoed through the bathroom, causing Virgil’s breathing to start speeding up.

Oh shit- fuck fuck f Uck FuC K FUCK! No no no no, he couldn’t be here, at least, he shouldn’t be here. Oh god why had he been so dumb, he was so dead oh god oh god oh god- 

A panicked sob escaped his mouth, as quickly as it came out he slapped his hands over his mouth in fear. Suffocating his sobs he was finding it hard to breathe, and then suddenly he was underwater.

He was sinking, sinking further and further into the murky depths. Searching for a breath of air that just wasn’t there. He furiously flung his arms around in a mix of panic and frustration. He was getting more and more light head as time went on, having to hold his breath. In a final attempt he kicked off his shoes and threw off his jacket in a chaotic struggle of bubbles. 

Now without the excess weight he started to swim faster, harder. Paddling his way to the surface, just a few seconds more-

And then he broke through the water, desperately gasping for air while he pathetically dog paddles to keep himself awake. And then he blacked out again.

 

He was back in the bathroom again, no snake to be seen. He was still holding the makeup he’d been putting away before Deceit had shown up. What in the world?

It was twice now that he’d seen Deceit and then been transported somewhere else, far further into the mind. The most disturbing thing about it, about from both experiences being terrifying in some way, was that he didn’t even know where the fake began and the real ended.

He tried to quiet his frantic thoughts for a moment as he finished putting the make up away, his hands still shaking. 

He began to walk out the door and down the hallway, taking a glance at the other end were he had traveled, trying not to shiver at the quiet sound of anxious whispers that seemed to power the tunnels strangeness. Turning back around, he took the right turn towards the kitchen.

He was quickly met with scent of warm pancakes and sweet maple syrup. Reaching the kitchen, he saw what Patton had meant by ‘huge buffet’.

The kitchen bench was covered on every surface of different varieties of breakfast foods. He spotted a massive stack of pancakes that was in danger of tipping drenched in maple syrup, that’s probably what he had been smelling. There were a few plates with croissants on them, probably all different flavours too. There were quite a few omelettes, and Virgil find himself enamoured by the site of one particular omelette topped with chives and pepper.

Instead, disgusted by the sight of the large portions, he grabbed a plate of crepes, only planning to eat one or two. After pouring himself a glass of cold water from the fridge and grabbing a fork he headed towards the commons.

 

Walking into what was currently couch-central, he saw an amusing scene. 

Roman was lounging in an awkward looking position, laying upside down on his back with his legs leaning on the couches back. On his chest was a half eaten plate of croissants, and in his hand was a whole croissant, some stringy cheese sticking out of it was only a few millimeters from the princely sides face. Logan was sitting with his face in his hands, eyes wide and glued to the screen with a spark of wonder that was almost out of place on the logical sides face. Patton was sitting with his legs crossed, munching on a bowl of cereal as he too stared intently at the tv. 

The anxious side almost let out a chuckle as he relished the only thing that could have both Patton and Logan so interested. Sherlock.

Virgil walked in silently plopped himself down on the singular lounge chair, beginning to eat his crepes. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Patton look over to him, a warm grin growing on the father figures face. 

Focusing on the screen Virgil began to mindlessly watch the television, enjoying the few blessed minutes of peace from his mind. The occasional chuckle from Roman and the small adoring gasps from Logan were nice, adding a sense of belonging to the scene he was participating in. 

But as his mind began to fog, and his breathing finally reached a slow and calm pace, he spotted a silhouette standing behind the couch the other sides were lounging on.

His mind quickly went into panic mode and he began to shrink into the corner of the arm chair, a chill running up his spine as he stared in fear. 

He stared for a few seconds at the still figure, fear written all over his face. 

It took a little while for the other sides to see, but as Patton looked over to Virgil to see if he was enjoying it he noticed the other sides distressed site. He stood up from his spot on the couch and walked over to the armchair the anxious side resided in, Logan and Roman looking over at Patton in confusion.

He silently pointed to Virgil, Romans eyes widening and Logan nodding his head in silence recognition.

Patton approached Virgil slowly, walking as silently as he could.  
“Virgil? Is everything okay kiddo?” as soon as he spoke Virgil whipped his head around in Patton's direction. Virgil replied, shaking.  
“No- no I’m not” it sounded like he was trying to be confident but it only came out shaky and forced. Confused of why Virgil was so scared, Roman began to talk.  
“Then what is Virge?” he tried to come off as concerned, but only came off as skeptical. Roman cringed at his own tone, realising just how pretentious he sounded. 

Roman and the rest of the sides were surprised at Virgil’s reaction. Instead of a sassy quip or sarcastic joke, the anxious side raised his arm, and pointed at something behind the couch.

They all looked in confusion at were he had pointed, it was just air.   
“Virgil are you thinking clearly? There’s nothing there but empty space”   
Virgil’s turned to look at Logan, obviously shocked at his comment.  
“But- wha? There’s- what there is- but- how?”  
But as Virgil turned back to look at the snake, he was instead met with empty space.

Just like Logan had said. What was going on? He heat seeing him but he wasn’t even there? Or if he was then maybe he was just being sneaky? What the hell was going on! 

Still anxious but determined, Virgil got up and walked out. Heading towards Logan’s library, there had to be something in there about hallucinations or something.

To the other sides it looked as though Virgil’s eyes had glazed over, walking away to an unknown destination, oblivious to the anxious sides internal motives.

Virgil knew they were following him, but he didn’t really care. He barged into the extensive library, speed walking furiously from isle to isle until he found the one he was looking for.

The other sides watched in distress as Virgil threw book after book on the floor, only glancing at the cover before chucking the books away like a madman. Logan was biting his nails as he watched his precious books being thrown everywhere.   
“Virgil?” Patton called out, but no reply came, he just kept looking threw the books.

The sides thought Virgil would just keep looking forever, until he stopped.

Surrounded by a sea of books Virgil held the one sole survivor in his hands. The book had a dark red leather cover, and on the front in bold glossy gold letters. He whispered out the title, just loud enough for the other sides to hear from their distance at the edge of sea of books.   
“The Ultimate Guide to Sides and The Mind Palace”

Logan raised his eyebrow at that, why would Virgil want to know more the Sides and the mind palace, and why did he need to know in such a hurry?

The silence that seemed to stretch itself thin was broken by Virgil flipping through the books pages in a hurry. He seemed to become more agitated as each page went past. Finally stopping on a two page spread. 

The other sides couldn’t read anything from the distance they were, the books in the floor acting as a barrier, but what they could see was an illustration one of the pages. Logan roughly made out the image of a tunnel, glowing pink vines running along the ground, walls and ceiling. It was hauntingly familiar, he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

Just what in the world was up with Virgil?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh I hope you enjoyed this monstrosity, I sure enjoyed writing it :P 
> 
> As always I absolutely adore comments! If you really love this please leave one below, I read and reply to each and every one so you'll def get a response.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! It’s me, back at it again with ‘venting all my emotional problems on to characters I don’t own and ignoring my own plot’ and this chapter is basically one big tangent, a look inside each sides point of view with minimal plot and minimal Virgil. Hope y’all like it at least.

“Virgil, can you please explain what in the world is going on! I mean honestly, I knew you had a dramatic flare but this is over the top, even for me!” Roman rambled as he wildly threw his hands around, his confusion quickly growing into panic. Sadly, no answer came. Instead, Virgil continued to read whatever was so important in that book of his. 

The other sides watched anxiously as his focused face contorted into something else, something they didn’t like. Something that they’d seen only when Virgil was at the height of his power, when he was anxious and the demon voice revealed itself.

What they weren’t prepared for was for Virgil to start laughing, a cruel fake laugh. A laugh that quickly transitioned into pathetic sobs. He sunk to the ground and just kept crying, distressing the sides and increasing their confusion even more. Patton stepped forward to reach out to the anxious side, but was quickly pulled back by Logan shaking his head solemnly.

Roman was left standing wide eyed at the sight of the anxious side. Even though for many years he had hated him with a passion, lately Roman had been feeling that they’d really been growing a friendship. A fond one, filled with half hearted teasing and a mutual sense of belonging.

But this face of Virgil, it felt weird. He was second guessing himself because… maybe, maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe they really didn’t know each other, now that he thought about it there wasn’t really much he knew about his fellow side. He saw him everyday, he worked with him and fought with him, and yet he never even bothered to ask him about himself. But he was anxiety, he represented a pretty basic concept of the worrying part of Thomas. Surely, he was nothing more than a bad case of overly negative thinking with a sassy attitude?

But of course, it couldn’t be that simple, as Roman learnt in the Disney video they made. And other videos after that, he should have picked up on something, anything. But he didn’t, he didn’t know why Virgil was crying. He didn’t know why he was reading this book with so much intrigue, and he had no idea about why the anxious side had been freaked out at what was quite literally nothing. He wished he did.

Logan was simply perplexed, nothing he knew about Virgil or any actions he had performed that day and the previous week explained this, not the ones he had reviewed in his head, at least. It seemed beneficial that he went back through the week and looked at a full detailed account of it and stick it all together on a wonderfully organised poster. But, as Logan didn’t have the time nor the materials to do that while Virgil was in his present state, he simply had to backtrack in his head. Find a point that had elicited a change in Virgil and start from there. 

After accepting Anxiety Virgil had been much more comfortable in his own skin, occasionally accepting Patton’s lovingly made breakfasts and even joining them for game nights on some rare days, the anxious persona had truly grown as a person. It was only up until recently had the other side been acting… off.

It was usual for the side to disappear for a few hours, but only about 2 at a time and usually when Thomas was sleeping. It was an odd sort of disappearance, not like when he tried to duck out but not like if he was hovering up in his room. It was almost like he wasn’t completely there. Almost as if he was a certain distance off. At the end of the day, it was an extremely obscure feeling to only be able to sense part of your fellow sides presence when waking up at night.

He had also had to assist his fellow side a few days ago with a bad case of sensory overload. That had been an interesting experience and Logan was surprised he hadn’t picked up on Virgil doing that before, perhaps he hid even more than they thought? It was fairly likely, considering the present situation and the clear absence of anything to do with Virgil's past apart from that he was originally a dark side.

Another thing of note was that ever since Deceit showed up Virgil had been rather jumpy and antisocial. Almost as if he’d taken a step back from the progress he’d made to open up to his fellow sides. Surely Deceits appearance was the cause of this, or at least the chemical that started the chain reaction?

What he didn’t understand, was how it related at all to Virgil’s current predicament. There were many theories he was coming up with, but nothing seemed to fit. It was odd, to say the least. He needed more information, and soon if this problem, whatever it was, was to be resolved. The only thing that was obvious that Virgil had a history with the snake, but the logical side simply couldn’t fathom what might have happened to cause such a reaction.

Patton was… scared. So very scared. And worried, that too. He didn’t know what to think, his precious anxious baby, who had hurt him so? 

The pain, written in bold capitalised letters on the anxious sides face. His fellow sides tears bled onto the floor, the puddle of grief was small, and yet the hurt radiating from it was catastrophically mammoth. Patton was barely holding it together under the weight of it, the true emotional power was so immense, and frightfully genuine.

Sometimes, Patton loved being the heart, the center of all the love and joy.

And sometimes, Patton hated being the heart, because it hurt, and oh god did it sometimes. Patton was constantly absorbing and empathising with not only the other sides, but Thomas and anyone Thomas interacted with. He really did love seeing people happy, but sometimes it was the only thing that really made him happy at all. There’s so much bad in the world, so much Patton couldn’t possibly grasp it. Thomas couldn’t possibly fix it all, and Patton hated that. But what he also knew, was tha the others thought he was just the innocent and fun loving dad character. In their eyes he was just their happy pappy Patton! 

And even though that was partially true, they knew, to a certain extent, that not everything was positive. He hoped that they understood, at least. Patton had genuinely meant what he had said at the end of moving on, he didn’t like faking happiness, and he never did it often.

But sometimes Patton was tired, so very tired. He hated that he hid is insecurities, his flesh and bone, the parts that made Patton, well… Patton! Because he wasn’t as innocent as he pretended, maybe when Thomas was younger he was, but right now? No. No one stayed innocent forever, but Patton liked to think he retained quite a decent amount of innocence compared to the amount of varying emotions he’d seen and experienced.

But underneath every layer, under all the skin, the flesh, the blood, and the skeleton, he was just tired. Caring, but tired. He full heartedly agreed with Logan that Thomas needed far more sleep. At the rate he was going, staying up late into the morning editing or watching a show, Patton was working on overdrive. Emotionally, mentally and physically, he was tired. 

And so it was that tiredness that made Patton retreat when Logan pulled him back from the barricade of books.

And Virgil? He felt stupid, so fucking stupid, sobbing on the floor of the stupid library surrounded by stupid books and motivated by stupid reasons. It couldn’t be simple, it couldn’t ever be simple, why did he ever think it would be simple? He was just so sick of the confusion, why was one of the only places that could usually provide reliable and unbiased info completely and utterly useless in his current predicament?

The manual had nothing of relevance apart from a singular paragraph on the tunnels, and even then it was bland and nothing he didn’t know. The only thing that was of even slight interest was an illustration on one side of the page, an eerily detailed picture of what it looked like far further into the tunnels. 

But as he cried, his mind ran through every encounter with the strange and unnatural, with the cruel and the unkind, and nothing made sense. He didn’t know what was real, what was fake, and what might have been a mix of both. Fuelled with confusion, embarrassed and emotionally charged, he stopped. He took his face out of his hands, tears still running down pale cheeks, and said the few words that meant so much and yet so little.

“I’m sorry”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this couldn’t be longer, wish it was I’ve just got a butt load of homework that I was procrastinating while writing this. 
> 
> Apologies for not saying this last time but I’m still in shock that this has over 1000 views and nearly 100 kudos! It’s so hard to believe that something that I viewed as a stupid vent sprinkled in with some plot got this large of an audience, and so dam quickly too!
> 
> In 2 days time it’ll be exactly 2 months since I actually started writing this thing. Just, wow. I never stick this long with anything, but I think the onslaught of encouraging comments have been a huge help! I’m hoping to improve the upload speed of this fanfic, I feel really bad not updating for large gaps of time. Hoping to do around 30 minutes writing time every week-day, to improve the upload speed.
> 
> That is, if I can stick to it ;)
> 
> And *cough* maybelookforabetareaderbecauseomgtheresalotoftyposthatImiss *cough cough*


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